Review: Dirty Grandpa

Release: January 22nd, 2016

Director: Dan Mazer
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Robert Di Nero, Zac Efron, Aubrey Plaza, Zoey Deutch, Julianne Hough

If you told a 14-year-old boy who had just learned about sex, drugs, amd swearing to write the funniest, dirtiest comedy he could, you'd probably end up with Dirty Grandpa. 

There's a certain level of self-awareness required in writing ultra-raunchy material. South Park, for example, always has a certain hidden level of intelligence and parody underneath the vulgarity that helps you enjoy it on multiple levels.

Dirty Grandpa, however, has none of that. If you've ever wanted to see Robert De Niro pleasuring himself in front of Zac Efron, after commenting on how remarkably specific that is, I would tell you to go see this movie.

There were a surprising amount of people in the theater for 2:00 pm on a Wednesday (it certainly wasn't packed, though) and I was definitely the youngest in the audience. I don't think there was anyone under 40, and there was even a couple who had to be somewhere in their 70s.

After attending the funeral of his recently deceased grandmother, young lawyer Jason Kelly (Efron) is asked by his grandfather (Di Nero) to drive him to his vacation home in Florida where he and his beloved wife went every year. Despite the disapproval of his wife-to-be Meredith (Julianne Hough) he accepts, as it's what his grandmother "would've wanted him to do" according to grandpa.

However, immediately as Jason arrives at his grandpa's house to begin the trip, it's clear that there are other plans on the mind of the recently single DIck Kelly.

Di Nero and Efron have surprising chemistry, with the roles switched a bit this time: Jason is an uppity, no-nonsense lawyer who just wants to please his obsessive fiance, while Di Nero is a wild, sex-obsessed, potty-mouthed old man who wants to "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!" His words, not mine.

With a better writer, it could have been a fantastic premise with opportunities for offensive laughs and heartfelt character moments. And while it starts out strong, getting a few good chuckles out of me, it soon descends into "what incredibly dirty thing can we have this legendary actor say next?"

In that, it lives up to the name of the film, but it becomes tiring as jokes are dragged on and on for far too long without any real breathing room. (Not because was gasping for air, mind you, because I was sighing and checking my watch) And while a handful of them land, the majority of them make your cringe and wonder who in the incredibly talented cast actually thought this was a good idea.

Eventually, of course, the film takes a few emotional turns and humanizes the unlikable titular grandpa, which was done reasonably well, but the "lesson" they try to push home feels artificial and wrong, because of how some characters are set up. For instance, they attempt to show that Jason's fiance is controlling and clingy, a la The Hangover, but it instead comes off as Jason being irresponsible and his family showing concern for him as he provides no explanation as to why he is late for his wedding rehearsal. Unbeknownst to them, of course, he is partying with the spring breakers in Florida.

It makes the movie feel inauthentic, as if they hurriedly tried to add in a lesson to justify the vulgarity. It works in some scenes, in others it doesn't.

There were a few decent laughs to be had, mostly from Di Nero at the beginning of the film. 

I find myself struggling to write any more, because despite the talent and inherently memorable premise, it's a rather forgettable and bland movie that goes for shock value but ultimately has none at all. 

It's not the worst film I've ever seen, but Mazer and crew will need to put more effort into it if they want to make a memorable comedy.

Verdict: 2.5/5

Review: 13 Hours

Release: January 15, 2015

Director: Michael Bay
Genre: Action, War, Drama
Starring: John Krasinski, James Badge Dale, Max Martini, Dominic Fumusa, Pablo Schreiber

During 13 hours, one of the characters (I couldn't tell you his name) says to Jim Halpert, "Is it me, or does it seem like everybody knows what's going on but us?" Which sums up how I felt about the movie pretty well.

I went into this movie with an open mind. I talk a lot of shit about Michael Bay, maybe even more than he deserves, and I wanted to be sure to bring an unbiased review. I didn't think the trailers looked all too bad, and I thought maybe, just maybe, Bay had it in him to direct a quality, competent, coherent film given a serious subject matter.

And admittedly, there were some aspects of this film I liked. Loved even. But it was weighed down entirely by horrendous, awful cinematography, wooden characters, and shoddy writing.

Why does Bay need to film every single scene like its a high-tension action sequence? From the moment the film opens, the camera appears to be operated by someone balancing on a ball. Even dialogue scenes have a million different cuts, some shot at odd angles, breaking the 180 degree rule, making it hard to follow. I never understood people saying that they got motion sickness at films like Cloverfield, and I actually love shakycam when it's done correctly in the right situation. Here, it's messy and distracting.

The film follows buff Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) who has a beard, an attractive wife, and two daughters. He's ex-military, and he is assigned to (I think?) guard a top-secret CIA base in Libya, which is just a mile away from a US Embassy, where an American ambassador has arrived for some reason. When the embassy is attacked by an unidentified local militia, Bearded Jim Halpert and his team go on a rescue mission to save the ambassador. This alerts the militia to the CIA base, where they have to return and defend it.

This is probably a pretty butchered summary, but honestly, as someone with no background knowledge at all on this event, this is what I got. This movie is incredibly confusing. It introduces you to the squad of characters, but as soon as the attacks start, you are suddenly following a bunch of different teams who never seemed to be introduced, and when they're all buff white guys with bushy beards and military clothes, I couldn't tell who was who, where was where, and why they were doing certain things. The characters weren't fleshed out enough that I could tell them by their mannerisms or dialogue.

The movie was pretty boring as a result. However, the action scenes were very well done. Michael Bay is known for his bombastic action sequences, and usually I find them muddled and confusing, but surprisingly he dialed it down a notch or two and I actually quite enjoyed them. This is because visually, the movie is quite remarkable. The colors are vibrant for a film like this, modern military films are usually doused in muted yellows and tans. The orange fire, explosions, and gun flashes really pop on the deep blue backgrounds, and it's really a treat to watch. There are also some pretty intense scenes, particularly the firefights. My heart was pounding on a number of occasions.

But ultimately, this wasn't enough to keep me interested. I was bored to tears approaching the 2 hour mark, and when the large Trump supporter next to me, who had been laughing and groaning and leaning and breathing through his mouth the whole time started vaping, I walked out and told the kids at the box office, who alerted the manager. I went back to try to finish the movie, but after a few more minutes I got up and told the manager which guy it was, and said that I was going to head out. He offered me a free movie pass to come back, and I thanked him for his help and left.
I doubt the movie got any better in the last 20 minutes though.

I would also like to point out that, surprisingly, the film wasn't at all anti-Muslim, nor did it try to push a political agenda. During the film, the local militia that aren't attacking the base come to the aid of the American soldiers, and a few end up teaming up with Jim Halpert and his team. One says, "I'm fighting for my country." Which was one of the best lines in the film and was very commendable.

I really was hoping to like the film, but Michael Bay strikes out once again. 


Verdict: 2/5

Review: The Revenant

Release: December 25th, 2015 (Wide)

Director: Alejandro G. Iñárritu
Genre: Drama, Thriller
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hardy, Domnhall Gleeson, Will Poulter

People are always cracking jokes about how Leonardo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar despite giving many fantastic and perhaps Oscar-worthy performances. Will The Revenant finally be his chance? I don't necessarily think so, but that's not to say he didn't do a spectacular job as Hugh Glass in this survival/revenge story.

Why do I say that? After all, Leo did go all-out during the production, enduring perhaps some of "the most difficult things" he's ever had to do, including sleeping in animal carcasses. And it certainly paid off, the film is absolutely brutal. You can truly see the pain, suffering, and cold on DiCaprio. But I don't necessarily think putting yourself through terrible conditions automatically qualifies you to be an Oscar winner. It certainly helps, but ultimately its about the on-screen performance and portrayal of a character. And while DiCaprio's performance was stellar, I'm not quite sure he has the Oscar in the bag quite yet, but what do I know?

The film tells the story of Glass, a tracker who is helping a group of frontiersman navigate uncharted Montana and South Dakota. He is attacked and almost killed by a bear, and his party reluctantly decides to leave him behind with his son and two of their own as they can't carry him up the mountain back to the fort. However, sick of Glass slowing the group down, one of the men tasked with taking care of him, John Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy), kills his son and leaves him for dead. Glass barely survives the ordeal, and driven by the rage of his lost son, sets out to get revenge on Fitzgerald on foot.Meanwhile, a group of Native Americans are searching for the men, who they believe have kidnapped a girl, one of their own.

It's an intense story of survival, made all the more riveting by the excellent camerawork. Much like director Alejandro G. Iñárritu's previous (and best picture-winning) Birdman, the film is shot uniquely, consisting of many long steadicam shots, during which the camera will swing back and forth between characters, events, and locations continuously. It makes the film that much more real, and you can really feel what Glass is going through. It was also shot with no artificial lighting, so the night scenes are pitch black.

The film is paced beautifully, never once feeling like it's dragging, but at nearly 2 hours and 40 minutes, it doesn't feel rushed either. It's a film you really get engrossed in, because the characters and world feel so real. The writing, especially the dialogue, is fantastic. You never really know where the story is going to go, and it ends up being suspenseful and satisfying.

The only thing that took me out of the film were the computer-generated animals. They looked good, but not good enough that I couldn't tell they were CGI. That being said, the bear attack scene was done very well, the way the bear interacted with the world and DiCaprio was convincing. Obviously they couldn't get a real grizzly on set, but I would have maybe liked to see it done practically, with a suit, and then enhanced digitally. But really just a minor nitpick.

Overall, this is a fantastic start to 2016, especially after the disappointing Hateful Eight. (I know technically they're both 2015, but I'm counting the wide release date as the release year.)


Verdict: 4.5/5

Review: The Hateful Eight

Release: December 25th, 2015 (Wide)

Director: Quentin Tarantino

Genre: Western, Drama, Crime

Starring: Kurt Russell, Samuel L. Jackson, Walton Goggins, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen, Bruce Dern, Demián Bichir

Quentin Tarantino is known for his ultra-violent and stylish action, vulgar but expertly-crafted dialogue, quirky characters, and stories focused on revenged. The Hateful Eight certainly has all of that, but unfortunately not much more.

While his previous films are all very satisfying and exciting, The Hateful Eight just felt like Tarantino doing Tarantino for the sake of Tarantino, and while it has some great scenes, overall it feels like an unsatisfying retread of his old films with a new setting and characters, but no driving force or interesting plot.

The film concerns a bounty hunter nicknamed "The Hangman" John Ruth, played by Kurt Russel, who is transporting a captured outlaw, Jennifer Jason Leigh's Daisy Domergue, to collect a large reward. Along the way he meets Major Warren, Samuel L. Jackson, as well as Chris Mannix, played by Walton Goggins. The first half of the film sets up their characters as they make their way to Red Rock, Wyoming where Daisy is to be hanged.

In the middle of a blizzard, they find themselves trapped in a cabin with 4 other men, and John suspects one of them to be in cahoots with Daisy, there to free her.

The performances are all quite solid, with Tim Roth as Oswaldo Mobray being the standout. Samuel L. Jackson is his usual self, and Kurt Russel is pretty fun as the Hangman. The film has a unique premise, it's being billed as a "whodunit" or a murder mystery.

The movie's slow start isn't unusual for Tarantino, but it took too long to get going. Only after the "intermission" (just a slight pause, in 70mm IMAX showings it was a true break) does the film really pick up. But despite taking all that time, I didn't particularly like any of the characters they built up.

With many of Tarantino's movies, the characters are morally ambiguous. But they're likable in an way, or maybe unlikable in a likable way. But The Hateful Eight are all kind of sick assholes that you end up not particularly caring for at all. That is the title of the movie, but there wasn't really a driving force for the plot. All of Tarantino's previous films have a distinct goal for the characters, and while it was present in the film, it was kind of glossed over to get to the violence, I didn't care about the goal.

I always look forward to whatever new idea Tarantino will present in his films, but I didn't feel like there was anything new, innovative, or exciting in The Hateful Eight. It was a retread of old ideas and old violence.

Tarantino's films are "guilty pleasures" in that despite the gross amount of onscreen violence and vulgarity, you end up oddly enjoying it and questioning yourself while doing so. But the Hateful Eight made me uncomfortable with some of it's content, even though it's relatively mild in comparison to some of his past works, because there was no emotion in any of the content. It just felt like it was there just to be there.


The film does has some funny moments, I was entertained by the second half, but it drags on with no real purpose. If you're a fan of his work, you'll probably find a little bit of fun in it. If not, I'd stay away. This isn't a film I feel could reach a broader audience. Which is unfortunate, because I love Tarantino.

Verdict: 2.5/5